I was so tired last night that I feel asleep in my clothes and slept in them all night. I got
up this morning, looked in the mirror and said, “meh, this is good,” then went grocery
shopping. So I have become 'that' person. Now when someone says to me, “Geez, did
you sleep in those clothes?” I can say, “Why, yes, yes I did,” which prompts me to ask,
should I be proud that I care so little what others think that I will go to Green Hills
bedecked in my nocturnal attire, or ashamed that I have sunk so low? Either way, I am
continually amazed at the outfits I deem acceptable to go out of the house in.
One day, last week during a moment of weakness when I was obviously not thinking
clearly, I filled out the questionnaire at “Stitch-Fix,” a company that asks you to fill out a
form describing your taste in clothing to a personal shopper who will then mail you
items they think fit your life and fashion style. The only thing I could come up with to
describe my fashion style was “things that still fit” and “things that are clean” neither of
which were very helpful.
I thought about what I wanted to be as a kid and remembered a television show called
“The Avengers,” which starred Diana Rigg as adventurous citizen Emma Peel, who
together with her partner Johnathan Steed an urbane, proper gentleman spy, repeatedly
saved the world from diabolical schemes plotted by equally diabolical evil-doers (among
them robots and man-eating monsters). Emma Peel, in her leather jump suits and boots
is now considered one of the most liberated women on 60's television. Her self-
confidence combined with superior fighting skills, intelligence, and a contemporary
fashion sense were to me, goddess-like.
With Mrs. Peel fixed in my mind, I wrote to the stylist, “I would possibly like a black
leather jacket and maybe some boots that make me look like I’m the type of person
who’d casually put out a cigarette on a guy’s face.” Upon further reflection I decided
this was probably not the best image for an elementary school teacher, so I backspaced
over that and started again. Also, leather is expensive and not very practical to wear in
an environment where there are glue guns plugged into every available outlet.
I thought some more. What image did I want to project as I wandered around the art
room wiping tempera paint off my forearms and picking glue out of my hair? I would
dearly love to look like a Bohemian novelist or an assassin, but neither of those looks is
particularly practical when you spend 8 hours a day keeping mayhem to a minimum
while small children experiment with paint, clay and glue…lots of glue.
“If you’re looking for an honest fashion profile, I should probably have you send me
things that are washable and shapeless,” I wrote, “something no nonsense that hides all
the interesting facets of my personality so that I won’t miss them. Just send me a tunic
top that I can wear with these LuLu Roe leggings I was forced to buy at gunpoint.”
Eventually I realized my endeavor was fruitless and gave up. Let’s be honest, there was
nothing they could send me that would allow for durability/ease of movement and still
make me look like Audrey Hepburn.
There was a time however, long gone now, when I wore purple crushed velvet hot pants
with roman sandals and swore I would never be caught dead in slacks with an elastic
waist like my mother wore. Alas, these days I can be spotted any day of the week
gallivanting around town bedecked in clothing from my once fashion forward closet
which is now filled with an array of slacks manufactured with the “comfort waist”. My
stylish high heels have been replaced with support loafers and a non-slip tread. My
panties are no longer silky satiny or lacy. Today I sport panties made of 100% cotton
with a high waist that climb out the back of my jeans when I bend over too far. I know it
makes me look like a simpleton, but it’s better than scarring the little ones for life with
the sight of my uncovered hindquarters.
Maybe when I retire I can start wearing crazy outfits and those red hats, but for now I
suppose I will continue to add to my wardrobe via the clearance rack at Kohl’s.