Monthly Archives: January 2017

The Wonders of Online Dating, Part One – The Profile

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Several years ago I was convinced by a friend to fill out an online dating profile. She had done it and was convinced that it was the best way to meet potential suitors. “It’ll be fun,” she said.” I was skeptical. After several glasses of wine, if my memory serves correctly, we found ourselves in my backyard with an old clay flower pot, performing some sort of ritual that one of my “new age” friends had suggested whereby we wrote a list of things we desired in a relationship then lit them on fire sending them out into the universe to be manifested. There was some dancing around like Stevie Nicks with our wine glasses that we added, just for good measure. By this time my reservations where beginning to disappear, along with a second bottle of wine, and I agreed to give it a whirl.

I selected a nondescript user name and then was directed to come up with a one-sentence header to grab attention. We began by viewing available profiles and having another glass of wine. They ranged from the dull and unimaginative “Hi” to the desperate, “Can you make me love again?” (Yikes!) And things like this:

I am seeking for true love. Could that be you?” (Uh, probably not). “Looking for Drama Free. No Games!” (This tells me all I need to know). “Likes Pina Coladas and taking walks the Rain” (Really?) and at least one of these on every page, “Live. Love. Laugh” (Make it stop).

As you can see, my search was not at all helpful and should have been a clue to the dating experience I was headed for with this venue, but I soldiered on. According to the dating gurus at OK Cupid I needed something catchy and perhaps mysterious that would make potential dates want to dig deeper, so I wrote, “A post menopausal woman of mystery and power whose power is only exceeded by her mystery.” Okay, I think that’s mysterious enough…moving on.

They asked me about things I liked, so I told them about my love of animals of all kinds, especially dogs. I opined on about Miss Kitty, my old roommate’s pet that kept trying to kill me and how I didn’t think she was really responsible for her actions given her psychological state which no doubt developed from living in a college frat house during her developmental years. I admitted to listening to self-help CD’s while driving in the car and also singing, very loudly to Beach Boys songs or getting lost in the mystic with Van Morrison causing me, at times, to forget where I was. My driving skills sometimes suffer as a result.

Listing things I was good at was the next task. ‘Procrastination’ topped that list because I’m really good at it. “What do you spend time thinking about?” they asked. So I wrote down many of the things that I think about on a daily basis like, “Where I put my shoes, keys, the T.V. remote, that thing I just had in my hand two minutes ago.” “Will my phone battery last until I get home?” “Etiquette.” Things I shouldn’t have said but did.” “Do I have food stuck in my teeth? “I am a bad or a good person.” “I am too old to accomplish everything that I want to?” “Gray nail polish.”

Finish this statement,”was the next command “You should message me if…” Quoting Lucille Ball, I wrote, “I’m not shooting for perfection in a relationship. Basically I’m just looking for a mammal.” In hindsight, maybe I should have been more specific here.

Then I added my photo which is designed to be shown in a circle. Somehow it zoomed in too close showing only the left side of my nose and my left eye. You could vaguely see the left upturned corner of my mouth making me appear to be a crazed lunatic or perhaps just feeble-minded. I tried, but my attempts to correct this only made it worse. I figured, “What the heck. It just makes me more mysterious right?” I hit “submit.”

I was quite flattered when I got my first “flirt” within minutes of posting my profile. I had become quite full of myself by the time I had five notifications from interested suitors. How exciting! My ego quickly deflated after opening the flirts and looking over my potential suitors. Let’s just say that momentarily I thought that I had perchance mistakenly, signed up on some sort of prison dating site or a glitch had occurred causing me to be re-directed to the local psychiatric hospital.

You look really beautiful :)” he wrote, “Also you have this long dark hairs which adds spices to your crispy Beauty.” Obviously English was not his strong suit, and although I’m sure he was trying to be complimentary, I decided to pass, messaged him back that I didn’t think we were a good match and wished him luck.

The next message was from someone named ‘SexmusheenSam’ who included phrases in his profile such as, “i want sumone who is pretie” or “i like lots afekshun.” In response to his offer for a meeting I replied, “Based on the content of your online profile, I’m guessing that literacy is not one of the characteristics that we share.” Declining his offer I wished him luck. I immediately felt guilty for being so smarmy. It was the wine talking, and once I hit ‘send’ I couldn’t take it back, but really fellas, the attractiveness of proper grammar and spelling cannot be overstated. If you need to, get someone to help you.

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There were others who messaged that sounded promising and I did go out on a few dates so there is more to tell, but it will have to wait until another time as I have a new message from “packnheat114.” Who knows? He could be the one, although I kind of doubt it.

What Time is it?

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I woke up this morning and the sun was up. “Oh no,” I thought, “This is not good.” I immediately panicked, “What time is it? I am going to be late for work. A frantic search through the house turned up my cell phone which displayed the time as 7:30 a.m. “Crap,” I thought, “I have to call the school to tell them I’m going to be late. Oh, this is awful. I feel so stupid. Why didn’t I set the alarm? Why had my phone not woken me up? I fumbled around with my phone for what seemed like an eternity and finally was able to dial Amazonia, it rang and rang. Where is everybody…will somebody please answer the phone? Damn, I ‘ll try back later. I have to get dressed….Wait, what day is this? It’s Monday right?……or could it be Sunday?” I really did not know. I had to get my laptop out and sign on to Chrome to see the date… it said 1/8/2017. This information was not really very helpful because I still did not know what day of the week it was. Ultimately, I went to the calendar to look for January 8th. It was Sunday. “Okay and this is the right calendar?” “Yes, 2017.” “Well okay then. I’m good.”
You see this is why I drag myself out of bed an hour earlier than most people do in the morning. Because I need to just sit on the couch with my coffee for at least 30 minutes before attempting to function in the world at any level. I wake up in an altered state of consciousness that makes my brain incapable of forming thoughts based on the real world. The only thing that seems to snap me out of this state is a gallon or two of really strong coffee and the passing of time. Until I am transported back to reality I cannot be held responsible for acts that may occur while I am under its dark influences.