Monthly Archives: October 2016

I Got the Death Stare at Target


This kid in Target just made the loudest armpit farts I’ve ever heard, and much to the chagrin of his mother, I couldn’t stop laughing. Clearly I was not in control of myself, but I just couldn’t help it. All the live long day I have to be unyielding with my steely eyed teacher stare in the face of this type of self expression. The “Teacher Evil Eye” is a necessity for maintaining some semblance of decorum in my classroom. It’s nice for a change not to be the one in charge of maintaining order. However, I think his mother wanted to beat me up. She has perfected her own version of the “Death Stare” which she aimed in my direction, complete with the pursed lips and clinched jaw. Sorry, Mom.


I am not a Chinese ballerina


I’m watching a clip of the China Ballet perform Swan Lake…acrobat-style. They are amazing. The prince has lifted the Swan Queen into the air and she is now standing on his upper arm which means he is supporting her entire body weight with only his pectoral muscles, and on an outstretched arm too. This makes me feel very out of shape and lumpy as I can’t even support the weight of the coffee pot as it fills with water.

Then, as if that’s not enough, she stands atop his head on one toe as he spins around. I would hate to think of the shape that poor man’s neck would be in if he had to hold me on his head. I do believe I weigh significantly more than one of the tiny Chinese ballerinas.

This reminds me of a time when I was cheer leading in high school and my spirit bunny, Wade Hampton tried to lift me up to sit me on his shoulders during a pep rally. Instead of landing on his shoulders I came down on top of his head, right there in front of God and everybody. Mortified, I tried to clandestinely slide down onto his shoulders which I managed to do, but not before dragging the whole enchilada of my clammy hindquarters across his poor, handsome, high school boy face. I can still see the image of him like it was yesterday, with my skirt over his head, trying to breathe while he struggled to remove it so he could see where he was going and not suffocate or choke to death, but still trying not to drop me on the floor at the same time. Wade was a real gentleman that way. Sorry Wade. I still feel bad. His neck was probably never the same after that, not to mention his psyche.

The Drive of Shame


And at the end of the day I have yet another exploit that can be entered onto the ever growing list of bonehead moves I have made in my life…

Today I got lost trying to find the park in Savannah where the homecoming parade would start and I could join my fellow teachers in the festivities. I saw something that looked like a park way off to my left so with my attention diverted elsewhere, I wasn’t paying much attention to where I actually was. I took a left turn heading up the hill and immediately regretted it when I realized that I had just turned right into the middle of the parade route. Even though most streets had been blocked off by police vehicles I managed to find the only spot they missed.

So here I am sitting in the middle of the street looking like Wile E. Coyote right after he sees the anvil and realizes it’s too late. I knew I was trapped and there was no going back. I had to take the drive of shame. There were literally hundreds of people lining the streets and staring at the big donkey in the rusty old Toyota driving the wrong way up the parade route just minutes before the parade was scheduled to start. It was the longest one block drive before I could turn off onto a side street. The only thing that made me feel better was seeing Mitzi Clearly pointing at me and laughing as if to say, “Of course…if someone is going to end up in a predicament like this it would be you.” Thanks Mitzi for lightening the mood because I just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide.