I woke up this morning in my usual altered state of consciousness and made the mistake of trying to get dressed before I had my coffee. In my mind I was perhaps a bit over zealous, but wanted to get a jump on the snow and shovel the driveway and my front steps, you know, like regular responsible people do. In an attempt to put on my big snow shoveling pants, still under the dark influences of my vaporous state, I somehow got both of my legs into just one leg of the pants and stood up…then fell over. I took the pants off and went and made some coffee. Later, I just drove over the snow in my driveway. I won’t be aspiring to greatness anymore today.
Went shopping this morning for Christmas gifts, came home and stashed them, bags and all, in the empty dresser drawer where I keep such treasures and went back out for my next adventure. Unfortunately I forgot that there was also a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream in there. Needless to say, I remembered it when I opened the drawer this afternoon and noticed a white milky substance that had pooled at the bottom of the drawer and was now dripping through the joints onto my foot. By happy chance, the gifts were still in the plastic bags and I was able to retrieve them unharmed. The boxes of chocolates were zap wrapped in plastic and easy to wash off. It was a Christmas miracle!
Tonight I attempted to sprinkle some parmesan cheese on a pizza before I baked it, so I opened the flippy thing on the lid to the sprinkle side (or so I thought) and gave it a good shake. As it turns out it was NOT the sprinkle side, it was the ‘other’ side. Consequently, I emptied the whole container in one hardy fling of the wrist. Most of it landed on the pizza, however there was a hefty dusting that covered the entire top of the stove, some landed on the dog who is always nearby when I have food of any kind, a bunch went on the floor and I also now have cheese in my hair. My dog had the cheese cleaned up off the floor in no time and I used the Shop-Vac to suck it off the stove. I got the pastry brush from the drawer and swept the cheese all around the pizza forming a thick layer across the top of the pepperoni encasing it in a thick blanket of fragrant cheese. Really there was nothing else that could be done. Then, I baked it. It was so delicious. I think I have a cheese buzz going. Even my hair smells delicious.
My Adventure at Dress Barn today:
On the rack it said, ‘skinny jeans,’ and there was a picture of a model wearing a pair who looked very very chic. I momentarily had a break with reality and actually thought perhaps if I put a pair on that I could somehow look hip and cool. They looked nice on the hanger, of course I’m not built like a hanger so when I put them on it was obvious that this particular fashion trend was meant for the much thinner, young and firm, not the more mature and lumpy. What was I expecting? After all, I was in a store named after a building where they house farm animals…stocky farm animals. What a ridiculous looking vision I was, not at all like someone on the cover of Vogue like I had imagined. It looked like someone spray painted them on me and my legs resembled those ‘Brown and Serve’ breakfast sausages. I took a look in the mirror and laughed until I was crying. I tried walking around, but I looked like the Tin Man from the “Wizard of Oz” since I couldn’t really bend my knees they were so tight and also, they made my feet look fat.
After a several minutes I started to feel like I’d better get them off because they were cutting off my circulation and my thighs were starting to go numb. I felt like one of those pressurized cans of biscuits that might pop open at any second. You know those seams can only handle so much strain and sometimes 2% spandex is just not enough. I pulled and pulled trying to get them off. I finally got them over my hips and then had to go sit down for a minute to catch my breath. I was sweating. I peeled them over my calves, but could not for the life of me get my feet out, so I sat down on the floor and pulled as hard as I could. All at once my foot broke loose and I hit myself in the face.
I decided that I would have to except the fact that I could not wear skinny jeans because ‘Skinnys’ do not come in ‘Husky’…I checked.
I parked my car in a different spot today at school and I’m embarrassed to tell you how long it took me to find it this afternoon when I was ready to go home. I really have become a creature of habit. If it’s not parked where I think it should be, the first thought that pops into my head is always, “Oh no, somebody stole my car.” “Yes Shawn, somebody risked committing a felony and doing time in prison so they could abscond with your 16 year old rusty Toyota. Why does my mind jump to the worst conclusion instead of something more rational?
I was just about to go back inside the school and ask, “Has anyone seen my car? It’s a black Rav4 with a blue air freshener shaped like a dolphin hanging from the rearview mirror. It has about ¾ tank of gas and it looks like somebody threw-up in the back seat because an uncooked corn casserole spilled all over the upholstery when I was transporting it to my ex-husbands house to cook on Thanksgiving because my kitchen sink was out of commission that day (remember?). There’s rust on the wheel wells and a dent on the back tailgate from where I backed into my mom’s car back in 2000. Also, there is a long scratch on the driver’s side rear quarter panel from that night when it rolled down the driveway and side-swiped a tree. The nice policeman came to my door at 11:00 at night and I had to go outside in my pajamas to move it out of the middle of Ashland Ave. because it was blocking traffic.
Anyway, as I turned to head back inside the building I spotted my car parked on the side of the John Glenn driveway right where I left it. I arrived at work today behind the buses and was too impatient to wait for them to leave so I could park on the side of the building where I usually do, so I just parked it by the dumpster and went on about my day.
I swear, if I ever become demented it will take a long time before anyone will ever notice. I am out at Living Community at the desk and just locked myself out of the reception area and had to crawl over the counter and across my desk to get back in here. I think I pulled a muscle.