Monthly Archives: June 2015

19 Dresses

Standard

barndress2

I have two weddings to attend this summer, so the hunt was on to find a dress suitable so as not to embarrass my entire family by showing up in something that was in style back during the Clinton Administration. I knew there was nothing in my closet befitting a wedding so off I went to T.J. Maxx. I tried on 19 dresses. No I am not being dramatic, the girl at the dressing room had to fill out a special little card for me and it said “19.” It was not a pleasant experience. I don’t know what kind of space age material they are making clothes out of these days, but it is very unforgiving, showing every lump and bump of which I have an abundance. Gone are the days of smooth even toned skin, firm body parts and a trim figure. Hello new rolls of fat, pendulous arms and cellulite.

Each of the 19 dresses I tried on was either too tight in all the wrong places or was reminiscent of something one might purchase at St. Joseph Tent and Awning. And then there was the one that I got stuck on my head trying to get it off. I managed to get it up over my head, but then my shoulders got stuck and my glasses came off and got wedged somewhere in the mess of fabric, so there I was with this dress stuck on my head, my arms in the air and immobile because they were twisted up in the sleeves. I can’t see because my head in completely covered. I can’t move my arms so I’m walking around the dressing room like this thinking, “Am I really going to have to wander out into the hallway in my under pants and get someone to pull this horrid dress off me?” “No,” I decided, I would rather just stay here and suffocate inside this heinous dress rather than suffer the humiliation.

I kept at it and finally got it off, but I think I pulled a muscle. Alas, I left T. J. Maxx dejected and schlepped off toward my car. Since I was already feeling the size of a small dairy cow, I figured I might as well hoof it over to the Dress Barn a few doors down and of course I drove my car instead of walking because yes, I am just that lazy. I opened the front door to the “barn” and as it closed the hinge made a mooing sound which I thought was a perfect greeting considering my mood.

Once inside I was greeted by Patty Schulenberg’s daughter Abby who helped me find a bewitching dress that looked swell. Thanks Abby. Of course it was sleeveless, so I procured I nice little sweater/jacket to cover up my sagging arm parts. I do believe that I can now attend all summer festivities in grand style and comfort thanks to Dress Barn. Who would have thought? Moo……

Here is a picture of it. You can’t tell, but it has some sweet macrame and netting on the neckline and I look nice in it, very unlike a Sherman tank and more like the demure and delicate flower that I am.