8:30 a.m. – Central Standard Time –Today
I can’t believe I just answered the door in this outfit . Let me set the scene…I got a fresh haircut yesterday and then slept on it so my hair is especially lovely this morning all matted down on one side and sticking straight up on the other, not in a cute bed head kind of way either, more in an escaped mental patient kind of way. I was still in my nightgown, but had added to my ensemble a pair of sweatpants that an old boyfriend left here, (I can’t even remember who) so they were way too big and I looked like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man from the waist down to my feet which were adorned with hot pink furry tiger print ankle boots…with tassels. So now you have an idea of what I looked like when I opened the door.
It was the Fed-X man and he was my age and he was cute! I was so embarrassed. My dog Attila was behind me barking his “warning, warning, there is an unfamiliar human at the door” bark. He thinks he is protecting us by barking. I’m sure that he has convinced himself that the only reason these strange people have not killed us all and taken over the house is because he is so vigilant about maintaining watch and patrolling the house at all hours day and night.
Since it was Fed-X, the guy couldn’t just drop it on the porch, ring the bell and run like the UPS guys do. I had to actually talk to this guy and sign his little electronic do-dad, so I stuck my head out the door to try and sign but the dog was still trying to inch his way out. I could tell from the look on the poor Fed-X guy’s face, and by the way he said, “Your dog is getting out, your dog is getting out” in a high pitched voice as he jumped backwards and nearly fell down the stairs, that he was possibly afraid of dogs. So I slinked out onto the porch while Attila continued to bark behind me.
After signing so illegibly that he had to ask what my name was, I turned around intent on getting out of public view as fast as possible. I grabbed the storm door handle and pulled down. This usually makes the door open, however, this time it made the handle come off. By now the Fed-X guy is already half way to his truck running full tilt, I am standing on my porch in my stunning ‘Homeless Bird Lady’ costume with the door handle in my hand wondering how I am going to get back in the house at 8:30 in the morning.
Luckily, I was able to find an old garden trowel on the porch and pound the handle back into the hole far enough to turn the latch. As fortune would have it, Attila was still so engrossed in the goings on outside that he completely missed the fact that there was an unattended turkey in the kitchen that could have been all his. I’m sure he will be kicking himself later.
As I was coming back in the house from my adventure on the porch, the phone rang. It was my mother which is another story all by itself that I’ll save for later….OH, crap…the doorbell just rang again!