Well, I finally have it, a story that does not take place in a public restroom or involve flatulence in any way. Tonight I was sitting peacefully in my favorite chair, no television or other distractions, just the dog at my feet while I skillfully sewed the hem back in the jumper I plan on wearing to school tomorrow. When I finished my task I stood up and lifted the garment from my lap only to realize that in my Zen like state I had sewn it to the dress I was wearing. It was hard to control myself. I was laughing and crying at the same time. You should have seen me as I wandered around the house in search of the seam ripper with my jumper sewn to my lap, but I managed to locate it and disengage my current attire’s new appendage. All is well now. I finished and I’m ready for action tomorrow.
I swear, I don’t know why most of my stories take place in a bathroom, but they do. Today I went into the office at school to use the facilities and ran into Austin who had come to see the nurse to get a pair of shorts from our clothes closet…why, I don’t know and I didn’t ask. If you knew Austin, you wouldn’t ask either, because he would tell you in great detail for as long as you would stand there and listen. He’s the kind of kid who, if you asked him what time it was, he would tell you how to build a watch. I said Hi and went on into the bathroom.
Now in order for you the get the full flavor of this story you have to understand a little bit about Austin. He is in 5th grade, but small for his age. His voice reminds you of one of the Muppets going through puberty. He is fun loving, but serious at the same time and you can’t help but like him even though he talks pretty much nonstop which can drive a person insane. He is very smart and is an expert on many things which he has absolutely no inhibitions about sharing with you in great detail, for hours on end, sometimes without breathing in between. He will say very grown up things at times like, “I have no idea what has overcome me this morning. One of my many multiple personalities must have temporarily taken over.” He’s like an absent minded professor in a little kid’s body.
Now, I was sitting on the toilet seat doing my business when I heard the sound of the door knob turning and the faint tenor of Austin’s voice. I jumped up from my perch and ran towards the door trying to get there before it opened. Alas I was too late to act…the door flew open and there was Austin coming in to change his shorts. He took one look at me and screamed a very high pitched scream just like James Brown at the beginning of “I Feel Good.” There I am flapping my arms all around and grabbing at my dress trying desperately to cover up my uncovered nether regions and screaming like a lunatic. The look on his face at the sight of me was that of shock but mostly horror. Austin quickly slammed the door shut, there was a pause and then, through the closed door I could hear that high pitched, analytical, nuclear scientist voice say, “Note to self……next time knock first.”
The experience must have thrown him for a loop because according to Theresa when he got to the gym his shorts were on sideways, twisted all around and lopsided so badly that they had to help him re-arrange himself. I’m sure the sight of me running at him only half clad like a drunken fruit bat has scarred him for life. I can just hear him telling his therapist in later years. “Well doc, it still haunts me even today….the sight of Miss Murphy’s cellulite ridden white pasty uncovered legs flying at me out of nowhere….I still have nightmares about it.”
Me? I just wrote it off as yet another of what should be, embarrassing moments, but any more are surprisingly not. However, next time I use the bathroom the in office I bet I remember to lock the door.