Sometimes I wonder if I’m losing my grip. It’s hard to say because I have always been what polite individuals would refer to as “spacey”. I have often been told that if I ever get Alzheimer’s nobody will be able to tell because I appear to have been inflicted with it since birth. I always just figured I’d grow out of it, but alas it still haunts me.
For instance last Friday, after my morning shower, I grabbed a new bottle of lotion from the cabinet to moisturize. It was afterwards that I actually looked at the label and realized I had coated myself from head to toe with “Moisturizing Hand Wash.” Hey, the bottles looked really similar and I am basically incoherent in the mornings. I wake up in an altered state of consciousness that makes me incapable of forming thoughts based in reality. The only thing that seems to snap me out of this state is a gallon or two of really strong coffee and the passing of time. Until I am transported back to reality I cannot be held responsible for acts that may occur while I am under its dark influences.
Earlier this week, in a futile attempt to eat healthier, I made a big bowl of green salad with assorted healthy vegetables and divided it up into individual Tupperware containers. I thought this would make for easy access in the mornings as I shuffle around, bumping into furniture and frequently knocking my head on open cabinet doors.
The next morning while packing my lunch, I opened the refrigerator to get one of the previously mentioned containers of salad and they were not there. How odd? What the heck could I have done with them?
I found them this morning while scouring the cabinet for a container that actually had a matching lid. There they sat, stacked all nice and neat. Apparently, I had absent mindedly picked up the containers full of salad and put them back in the cabinet with all the other Tupperware. I knew this because there they were, silently mocking me, still full of salad greens – well they really weren’t green any more. They were actually kind of a putrid shade of poopie diaper chartreuse.
Sacrificing the containers, I threw them all in the trash to save myself the humiliation of having to dump the slimy contents of each one and scrub them all clean. The thought was just too disgusting, especially at 6:00 a.m. on a Tuesday.
My mind seems to be absent a lot lately and I still haven’t found my car keys by the way. They have been missing for over a week now and I have no clue what I did with them. I carry things off and lay them down in the oddest places. I once found the TV remote in the freezer. I had gone to get some ice cream and laid it down in there. Being so focused on the ice cream, I grabbed the container of Ben & Jerry’s and then, forgetting completely that I even had the remote in the first place, shut the door. I tend to hyper focus a lot and completely tune out anything else. The world could crumble around me and I would still be fixated on my pint of Cherry Garcia.
I frequently drive away from the drive-thru window after paying…without waiting for my food. It’s only once I arrive home and reach over to get the bag of Burger King Tenderloins and they aren’t there that I realize what I’ve done.
More than once I have filled my car with gas and driven off forgetting about the part where you are supposed to take the nozzle out of the gas tank and put it back on the pump. The first time I did this I was on vacation in a rental car. I had gone about a quarter mile when my son pointed out to me that the nozzle and hose was still attached to the car and trailing behind us. I guess the sparks had gotten his attention as we drug it along the pavement. I was, of course, mortified and had visions of the Arkansas Highway Patrol coming to haul me away for absconding with and/or destroying private property. I quickly did a u-turn and sped back to the gas station as visions of disaster danced in my head. I was scanning the horizon looking for flames from a possible explosion. Did I pull the pump completely off the base? Was gas pouring out by the barrel? Would I be sued for damages? I knew I should have taken out the extra insurance on the rental car, but no, I had to be a rebel.
I pulled back into the gas station and was relieved to see that it did not resemble the fires of hell. There was no gaping hole with gasoline spewing out like a geyser. The attendant had already been alerted by another traveler that some ninny had driven off ripping the hose right off the pump and surprisingly did not seem to be at all alarmed.
I sheepishly got out of the car grasping the abducted hose in my hands and went inside apologizing profusely. They figured I would be back the attendant told me. He said not to worry because those things are designed to break away from the pump and can easily be put back on. He said it happens at least once a month. So, obviously I am not the only person in the world who has driven off with the gas hose still attached to her car. This information made me feel a whole lot better as spending time in an Arkansas jail did not sound like something I wanted on my resume.
I guess I just have to accept that I’m getting older and my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.