Tonight I went to the grocery store on my way home because we were out of dog food and I was pretty sure our dogs would be hungry because no one else in my household seems to be able to remember to feed them. I also don’t know why I’m the only one who can notice that the dog food is running low and thus replenish, but I am. As I rolled my cart down the dog food aisle perusing my options I stopped in front of the generic section where everything is packaged in bright yellow containers with plain black lettering. I decided that the price was right so I hoisted one bright yellow bag into my cart and rolled on to the toilet paper aisle, another important item I restock often which goes largely unnoticed. People at my house (I’m not mentioning names) think toilet paper just magically appears on a roll in the bathroom…like the fairies come at night and make it grow back or something. I have considered writing a manual to explain it step by step and also things like “how to pick up a wet towel and hang it on the rack” or “how to operate a clothes hamper,” but I’m sure it would be a waste of time. Actually, I sold our hamper at a garage sale because no one ever used it and it was just taking up space. Now, we just throw our clothes on the floor in the extra room and I pick it up from there to do laundry. Anyway, after waiting in the checkout line for what seemed like an eternity with that one clerk who works at the pace of a snail, casually examining each item as it passes before her, meditating peacefully on the beauty of unions, a new line opened up. I got a the young kid who still had some zip left in him and was checked out in no time and was hauling my loot to the car to head home.
When I arrived back at the ranch no one was home so I had to lug the heavy bag of food and gargantuan package of toilet paper inside by myself….ugh. The dogs were excited to see me though and I told them I had their dinner in the bag. They thought that was just great and started jumping all around and howling (they are kind of dramatic). Once in the kitchen with scissors in hand to cut open the top I noticed a picture of a bird on the bag “Why was there a picture of a bird on a bag of dog food?” I wondered. Well, that’s because it was a 20lb bag of birdseed that’s why. Apparently I had accidentally grabbed the wrong bag. Except for the picture of the bird vs. dog they looked exactly alike….yellow. I stood there staring at the huge bag of birdseed that I was now stuck with because I was not going back to the store…I was really tired and I have to admit for a second or two I considered pouring it out to see if they would eat it, but I decided that it was probably not a good idea. They probably would eat it (they’ll eat anything) and get sick or die and then I would feel really bad. Instead I looked through the cabinets and the refrigerator to see what I could find. Tonight for dinner my dogs thought they were in heaven while dining on cheddar and sour cream Ruffles potato chips, Pub pretzels and whole wheat tortillas. For dessert they lapped up some expired blueberry yogurt. Hey, if they can eat poop and chew on dead birds and not get sick, some week old yogurt won’t kill them.