I talked to my mom today. During our conversation she felt compelled to remind me, as she does often, that if she should suddenly die, there is a folder in the file cabinet in her bedroom that contains her will and all other legal documents I will need as the executor of her will. I assured her I knew right were to look and who to call in the event of her untimely demise. I am 57 and she still worries that some day I may end up living down by the river in a van and licking discarded candy wrappers for nourishment. I do my best to assuage her concern. I’ll be fine Mom. Say what you will, but a van down by the river is still waterfront property.
All of us are aware of the inevitability that we will die someday, yet most of us have difficulty being light-hearted about it. Perhaps due to fear or out of respect for the grieving family we treat death as somber and serious business. Few of us see any place for humor in it. Humor, however can relieve our anxieties about death, help us cope and ease the stress that often surrounds it.
I for one, can attest to this and sometimes it comes out very unexpectedly like when my father died. When the doctors told us there was no hope for recovery with any quality of life for Dad, my
brother and I made the decision to let him go knowing he would not want to live that way. We brought him home to my house and set up a hospital bed in my room. We took turns staying with him around the clock waiting for the moment when he would go. My mother, trying to do her part to provide comfort to her children, ordered her now husband Bill, to bring over a comfortable blue velvet swivel chair from their den. Bill graciously complied, loaded said chair
in the trunk of his car and dutifully hauled it to my house setting it beside the bed.
And so we sat, in the blue velvet swivel chair, keeping vigil beside Dad’s bed. It was on my brother’s watch that my dad took his last breath. I was in the next room watching Law & Order with my boyfriend Jeff when I heard Greg yell, “You guys come in here I think this is it.” We rushed to the doorway and stood very still, surveying Dad, trying to surmise whether or not he was still breathing. After a long silence Jeff said, “Is he dead?” “I don’t know,
he looks dead,” I replied. Which prompted by brother to pull out his best Billy Crystal impression from the Princess Bride, “Well, he’s mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, there’s usually only one thing you can do…go through his clothes for loose change.” We all looked at each other and suddenly the damn burst. All the stress we’d been under for the past three weeks flowed out in
laughter. We laughed until our sides hurt.
The best story I have ever heard was from another teacher at a “Humor in the Classroom” seminar. Her mom had died at home surrounded by all her loved ones. They called the funeral home to come and get her. The somber mortuary men arrived, dressed in suits and ties expressing condolences. They went upstairs, reverently strapped the deceased onto a gurney and started toward the front staircase. Here’s where it gets fuzzy. Apparently someone wasn’t paying attention and Mom began to roll down the stairs unattended. By the time anyone noticed she was too far gone to stop. They watched in horror as the gurney began to pick up speed. “By the time
she reached the bottom of the stairs Mom was really sailing,” she told me. Their beloved mother flew across the foyer on two wheels, came back down just in time to make it out the open front door and down the sidewalk stopping only when she collided with the side of the hearse. They all just stood there looking at each other in disbelief. And then…a burst a laughter so forceful that my friend thought she was going to pee her pants. They laughed until they cried.
That kind of laughter is a venerable thing. When I die I don’t want a lot of fuss, but most of all I don’t want my loved ones to have to spend what little money I might have managed to squirrel away on a funeral. When my time comes, in keeping with Irish tradition, I want an uproarious wake. Prop me up in the corner at the Ground Round or somewhere and celebrate my life. Reminisce about all the stupid things I did while I was alive and LAUGH. Lord knows, there should be enough material there to keep people entertained well into the wee hours. Also, if some feel the need, let them line up at the bar and list all the ways I wronged them, then buy them a drink on me. If the entire thing ends in a riot that would be even better.
And for the funeral plans? As of right now my funeral arrangements basically consist of a Folgers can lined with floral shelf paper, lighter fluid and a match.
Yesterday, I was talking to someone at school about people driving their kids to school in their pajamas. I had to admit that back when I worked from home I frequently drove my kid to school in the same attire.
One particular morning I was decked out in an old nightshirt. Fortunately, at the last minute I decided to add a pair of sweatpants to my ensemble because it was fall and kind of cold outside. They were horrible looking and had a big hole in the crotch, but would keep my legs warm and Hey, who was going to see me right? Those of you who know me might be able to see where this is going already.
After dropping Ben off I pulled out of the Bode parking lot and was making my way back up Noyes towards home. Right about the time I was driving past the Noyes Home for Children I pushed the clutch in to shift gears and the clutch pedal went all the way to the floor. I knew what had happened…the clutch cable had snapped. Of course, as luck would have it, in that exact instant when the cable broke in half, the gear shift had been in between gears and was now stuck everlastingly in neutral which meant that now my car could not drive anywhere. The clutch cable could have broken when it was in any gear and I probably could have at least gotten home, but oh no, the Gods of all things automotive could not let that be for I am Shawn, Queen of Misadventure and must be humiliated whenever the opportunity presents itself.
I sat in my car for a few minutes brooding over my rotten luck. I hadn’t bothered with bringing my purse or phone (I wasn’t going that far right? What could possibly happen?) I took a deep breath thinking I might as well get it over with and stepped out into the brisk fall air wearing my Garfield nightshirt and horrible sweat pants. I started walking, all the while praying to the God of everything holy that if I kept my head down none of the other mothers dropping off their kids would recognize me as they sped away in their giant four wheel drive assault vehicles. I envisioned in my mind, one mother in particular recognizing me, stopping her luxury-wagon in the middle of Noyes Boulevard and rolling down her window to inquire as to if I needed a ride somewhere.
I would prefer being mistaken for a homeless vagrant and carted off to the Salvation Army rather than being forced to accept a ride home in an Escalade with perfectly groomed Soccer Mom whom I’m sure, in addition to wearing glittery 5-inch designer heels with her Juicy Couture jogging suit, also packs her kids organic gluten-free lunches in sustainable hemp Ecobags. I could not bear the thought of her pitiful gaze looking down at me through her hipster glasses as she leaned out the window of her SUV to offer assistance. I swiped my hair over my face and walked as fast as I could toward home.
My Irish luck was with me that morning and I was not stopped by a passing officer of the law with the misguided impression that I escaped from the nearby state hospital. As I neared my house, a couple of neighbors driving by spotted me and honked, waving ‘Good Morning’ to me as they passed. They did not seem alarmed at all. No one stopped to offer me a ride. Having known me for many years now, I’m sure they thought I was just out for a morning stroll. Seeing me walk down the street wearing a cartoon nightshirt and sweatpants in the early morning mist would not seem unusual for me at all. I smiled and waved back. The original feeling of horror
and panic was wearing off as I got closer to my neighborhood and I actually began to enjoy my walk on this beautiful autumn morning.
By the time I got to my front door I was feeling much better about the whole incident and had forgotten about it completely until today. I really need to write these things down so future generations will know what kind of stock they come from. It may help them to know it’s encoded into their DNA and there’s really no amount of therapy that’s going to help. Acceptance of reality…it’ the key to serenity.
I just saw the new Victoria’s Secret ‘Bralette’ commercial….pretty, for the young and perky breasted. Their slogan, “Bralette, it’s all you need.” I beg to differ. I think I would need another yard of material, a roll of duct tape and maybe some sort of elaborate pulley system. Even then, I doubt I would feel like running through a meadow in just my bra and some cut-off jean shorts yelling, “Bring it on.”
I ran into an old friend today while at Lowe’s buying potting soil. I asked him how his kids were doing and he said that his youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and his other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted. So there you go….Diversity, it’s a good thing.
Speaking as a Fruit Loop in a world of Cheerios myself, I say if you are going to be weird, do it with confidence and gusto. You never know when you will run into someone who is the same kind of weird you are, but when you do, you’ll have a bond for life. I didn’t tell my friend this, but I think his ‘other’ son and I may be kindred spirits.
The Wonders of Online Dating, Part Deux – The Dates
We decided to meet at Ruby Tuesdays since it was halfway for each of us. He was already there when I arrived, had procured a booth by the window and I spotted him right away as he looked much like his photo. He bore an uncanny resemblance to Owen Wilson in “Zoolander,” an aging surfer type with some latent hippie mixed in. Somewhat quirky, he spent the first 15 minutes of our date talking about his Smartwatch then moved on to regale me with the finer points of the musical he was writing about squirrels, aptly named “Squirrels! – The Musical,” acting out the scenes with the salt and pepper shakers. He told me that he owned his own business which sounded impressive, at first. He cleaned out dryer vents. Yes, it’s just what it sounds like. For a fee, he would come to your house, go to the laundry room and clean out your dryer vent. As you can imagine, business was not so good, therefore he lived with his mother. He was 45. When we left, he couldn’t seem to remember where he’d parked his car. I told him I really needed to get going, pulled out of the drive and headed towards the interstate all the while observing him in my rear view, still wandering around in the parking lot at Ruby Tuesdays.
Moving on to door number two…His name was Ed and we agreed to meet at a local restaurant. As the hostess ushered me in, I prayed that my date was not that guy dressed all in black who looked like a dust farting legend from the Grand Old Opry sitting in the booth against the back wall. My prayer went unanswered as Johnny Cash stood up to greet me. I was temporarily blinded by the light being reflected off the behemoth belt buckle attached to his pants. It was as big as a dinner plate. I don’t know how he could even sit down without it cutting into his thighs, which were, incidentally clad in the tightest pair of Wrangler’s I have ever seen on a human. I had initially thought his stiff gait was due to his cowboy boots, but later realized it was because he couldn’t bend his knees. His shirt was starched to the point where it could have stood up by itself. He removed his cowboy hat to say hello which revealed a full head of hair, obviously freshly dyed, jet black, Elvis style.
He really was a nice man. Not very interesting, but really nice. There was just no spark on my part what-so-ever. He was every bit the gentleman and insisted on paying. I felt so shallow, but I just could not get over the get up. He looked like a cartoon character and we had absolutely nothing in common. I received an e-mail from Mr. Cash later that evening telling me that I was lovely, but he could tell I was not all that smitten with him. He thanked me for an enjoyable evening and wished me luck in my search. It broke my heart a little. I hope he found love because he deserves it.
Then there was Bob. Bob lived in an abandoned missile silo somewhere out in Kansas, but he wouldn’t tell me where exactly because he couldn’t take the chance that the government might be listening. He was convinced that they were controlling all of our minds with electromagnetic waves. Apparently there is a whole community of people who have bought abandoned missile silos from the federal government and live in them preparing for Armageddon. I still refer to him as one of the potato people.
Dave was a very laid back kind of guy whom I suspected might be high. My suspicions were confirmed when he happened to mention halfway through lunch at Perkins that he had just recently been released from prison where he’d spent 18 months for selling pot. We were just finishing up our Reuben sandwiches when he got a call informing him that his pot dealer had been arrested. He handed me a ten-dollar bill and asked if I could get the check because he had to go. I never heard from him again. I have serious doubts as to whether he even remembered being there at all.
I met a guy who wore a fedora during our entire meal…at Red Lobster. I met a man who was 47 and had quit his job to go “find himself.” I didn’t have any advice on where to look. I met a man at a ‘Plenty of Fish’ mixer who for some reason faked an English accent while bedecked in a black leather corset and…eyeliner.
However, my date with Kevin was what convinced me to give up online dating altogether. He wore a suede jacket (collar popped) that he refused to take off, worked as a mechanic and chewed constantly on a toothpick. He talked with food in his mouth and told me he could use some “BJ action.” Suppressing my impending regurgitation, I excused myself to the Ladies room where I stood quietly with my forehead pressed against the back of the stall door concocting my escape plan. This is the one and only time I’ve ever used the, “I have to go to the bathroom” trick to cut and run on someone, but I did and he deserved it.
It was enough to put an end to my dating journey. I didn’t give up on the idea of love completely, but I definitely pulled over to the side of that road for a long nap. You never know, maybe ‘the one’ will sneak up on me and I won’t see him coming soon enough to jump out of the way.
Several years ago I was convinced by a friend to fill out an online dating profile. She had done it and was convinced that it was the best way to meet potential suitors. “It’ll be fun,” she said.” I was skeptical. After several glasses of wine, if my memory serves correctly, we found ourselves in my backyard with an old clay flower pot, performing some sort of ritual that one of my “new age” friends had suggested whereby we wrote a list of things we desired in a relationship then lit them on fire sending them out into the universe to be manifested. There was some dancing around like Stevie Nicks with our wine glasses that we added, just for good measure. By this time my reservations where beginning to disappear, along with a second bottle of wine, and I agreed to give it a whirl.
I selected a nondescript user name and then was directed to come up with a one-sentence header to grab attention. We began by viewing available profiles and having another glass of wine. They ranged from the dull and unimaginative “Hi” to the desperate, “Can you make me love again?” (Yikes!) And things like this:
“I am seeking for true love. Could that be you?” (Uh, probably not). “Looking for Drama Free. No Games!” (This tells me all I need to know). “Likes Pina Coladas and taking walks the Rain” (Really?) and at least one of these on every page, “Live. Love. Laugh” (Make it stop).
As you can see, my search was not at all helpful and should have been a clue to the dating experience I was headed for with this venue, but I soldiered on. According to the dating gurus at OK Cupid I needed something catchy and perhaps mysterious that would make potential dates want to dig deeper, so I wrote, “A post menopausal woman of mystery and power whose power is only exceeded by her mystery.” Okay, I think that’s mysterious enough…moving on.
They asked me about things I liked, so I told them about my love of animals of all kinds, especially dogs. I opined on about Miss Kitty, my old roommate’s pet that kept trying to kill me and how I didn’t think she was really responsible for her actions given her psychological state which no doubt developed from living in a college frat house during her developmental years. I admitted to listening to self-help CD’s while driving in the car and also singing, very loudly to Beach Boys songs or getting lost in the mystic with Van Morrison causing me, at times, to forget where I was. My driving skills sometimes suffer as a result.
Listing things I was good at was the next task. ‘Procrastination’ topped that list because I’m really good at it. “What do you spend time thinking about?” they asked. So I wrote down many of the things that I think about on a daily basis like, “Where I put my shoes, keys, the T.V. remote, that thing I just had in my hand two minutes ago.” “Will my phone battery last until I get home?” “Etiquette.” Things I shouldn’t have said but did.” “Do I have food stuck in my teeth? “I am a bad or a good person.” “I am too old to accomplish everything that I want to?” “Gray nail polish.”
“Finish this statement,”was the next command “You should message me if…” Quoting Lucille Ball, I wrote, “I’m not shooting for perfection in a relationship. Basically I’m just looking for a mammal.” In hindsight, maybe I should have been more specific here.
Then I added my photo which is designed to be shown in a circle. Somehow it zoomed in too close showing only the left side of my nose and my left eye. You could vaguely see the left upturned corner of my mouth making me appear to be a crazed lunatic or perhaps just feeble-minded. I tried, but my attempts to correct this only made it worse. I figured, “What the heck. It just makes me more mysterious right?” I hit “submit.”
I was quite flattered when I got my first “flirt” within minutes of posting my profile. I had become quite full of myself by the time I had five notifications from interested suitors. How exciting! My ego quickly deflated after opening the flirts and looking over my potential suitors. Let’s just say that momentarily I thought that I had perchance mistakenly, signed up on some sort of prison dating site or a glitch had occurred causing me to be re-directed to the local psychiatric hospital.
“You look really beautiful :)” he wrote, “Also you have this long dark hairs which adds spices to your crispy Beauty.” Obviously English was not his strong suit, and although I’m sure he was trying to be complimentary, I decided to pass, messaged him back that I didn’t think we were a good match and wished him luck.
The next message was from someone named ‘SexmusheenSam’ who included phrases in his profile such as, “i want sumone who is pretie” or “i like lots afekshun.” In response to his offer for a meeting I replied, “Based on the content of your online profile, I’m guessing that literacy is not one of the characteristics that we share.” Declining his offer I wished him luck. I immediately felt guilty for being so smarmy. It was the wine talking, and once I hit ‘send’ I couldn’t take it back, but really fellas, the attractiveness of proper grammar and spelling cannot be overstated. If you need to, get someone to help you.
There were others who messaged that sounded promising and I did go out on a few dates so there is more to tell, but it will have to wait until another time as I have a new message from “packnheat114.” Who knows? He could be the one, although I kind of doubt it.